Is Your Teen "Talking Back" or Saying Something Important?
As a parent, it can be frustrating; your little one is no longer that but a teenager, taller, and bigger nevertheless their big emotions are the same. Your teen is no longer that sweet little one but suddenly she’s moody, sullen, and irritable. And not just that, her feelings are bigger and more complex (think of Riley from Inside Out 2).
The frequent feedback I get from parents is that they can’t stand it when their kids talk back at them. I get it. Growing up in a collectivist culture, Confucianism, or respect for elders was always instilled in me. And if I dared speak my mind to my caregivers, I would be in terrible trouble. Immigrant parents are especially affected - and why wouldn’t they? They worked hard to make it in this country. Toiling away, working long hours, and multiple jobs for their families only to find their kiddos speaking their minds.
But what if it’s not about being disrespectful or talking back? What if it’s because they really, really need you to hear what they’re saying?
It’s understandably hard to hear your little human suddenly act like a grown-up; do they even realize you’re the parent? In the same breath, they do know you’re the parent, which is why they’re looking to YOU for understanding. They’re turning to you and not some other adult.
“You never listen to me!” is another way of saying, “I feel unheard by you. I want to know my words or that I still matter to you.”
“I hate you!” can mean “I’m so angry at you right now and I don’t know how else to tell you how mad I am!”
“It’s all your fault!” can also mean “Sitting with the yucky feelings of what I did doesn’t feel good so I’m gonna push it back onto you!”
So what do we do when our teens make these big statements?
First of all, check your own temperature. Do you feel triggered? If so, you’re bound to say/do something impulsive so best not to react right away. Start by taking a deep breath and say something like, “Help me understand you right now. I want to understand you. I’m here.”
It’s always an option to give space and take a pause. A time out for you two, if you will. The amygdala (the brain’s emergency response center) reacts quickly and it takes a few seconds for the prefrontal cortex (responsible for self-regulation and solving problems) to kick in. So give it time before you respond to allow the prefrontal cortex to take over.
Having a hard time regulating yourself? Tag teaming with another parent can be an effective way to manage the situation. As long as the other parent is grounded, of course.
What if you’ve entered the cycle and both of you have ended up in a yelling match? There’s always space for a do-over. After some time and space, initiate a conversation with your teen.
“I didn’t like how we couldn’t hear each other earlier. Can we try again? I want to listen.” This sends the message that even when difficult emotions and conversations arise, a repair is always an option and possible. This sets your teen nicely for when they grow up and have difficult conversations and emotions themselves.
Child-rearing is no easy feat, let alone teen-rearing. Even when things might seem tough, there is support for you and your teen. You can call us at 424-209-8959, email us at info@nurtureandhealcounseling.com, or click here for a free 20-minute consultation to see if Nurture and Heal Counseling is the right fit for your family’s needs.
