Nurture & Heal Counseling Services
Couples Therapy
"As lovers, we poise together delicately on a tightrope. When the winds of doubt and fear begin blowing if we panic and clutch at each other or abruptly turn away and head for cover, the rope sways more and more and our balance becomes even more precarious. To stay on the rope, we must shift with each other’s moves, and respond to each other’s emotions. As we connect, we balance each other. We are in emotional equilibrium.”- Sue Johnson (developer of EFT) in her "Hold me Tight" book.
Falling in love is the best feeling; we get butterflies in our stomachs, we feel giddy and excited and everything just seems so blissful. As stressors and changes in daily life begin to emerge, we hang onto our partners for dear life but oftentimes, patterns from our childhood or past relationship begin to show up. We start to have discussions, arguments, and fights then pretty soon, stonewalling/giving each other the cold shoulder begins to happen. We start to feel anger, resentment or discouragement, or even hopelessness about the relationship as we begin to feel more disconnected from each other.
Emotionally-focused therapy, developed by Sue Johnson, is an evidence-based couples treatment modality that is rooted in attachment theory - which posits that in an anxious attachment, a child will often display behaviors such as crying, screaming, and clinging when a caregiver leaves. Even when the caregiver returns, the child struggles with being comforted. In an avoidant attachment, a child will show minimal distress and even avoid the caregiver when they return. However, when the child feels secure, the child will easily be comforted when upon the caregiver's return.
As adults, we feel and act the exact same way; when we feel disconnected from our partner, we cry, scream, cling, protest, or sometimes, go inward and shut down and isolate. Oftentimes, the former is what Sue regards as "pursuers" and the latter as "withdrawers." The more pursuers feel disconnected and unheard by their withdrawer partners, the more they pursue (at times, it comes across as criticizing, nagging, and blaming). However, the more they do this, the more withdrawers go inward as oftentimes they feel like they are disappointing their partners. It comes across as placating ("all right I'll do what you want" but they don't follow through), isolating, shutting down, stonewalling (going radio silent), or avoiding (engaging in other activities to distract self). As in a typical cycle, the more the withdrawer goes inward, the more the pursuer calls for attention, and on and on it goes.
The videos below help to illustrate the cycle:
Using EFT, I help couples navigate through this cycle- break it down, make sense of it and understand how we get trapped in it. I help slow down the process, making each of the partners feel heard, and validated and start to see each other in a new light. After that's established, I work with couples to build an even deeper connection by exploring blocks that get in the way of asking for their needs from one another. We break down barriers such as past childhood traumas or past relationship traumas that inhibit couples from feeling closer to one another. The therapy ends when the couples are able to navigate through stressors and continue to be attuned, connected, and bonded with each other.