How Parental Guilt Affects Young Adults
Understanding the Impact of Parental Guilt
In my work, I’ve noticed a recurring pattern: young adults still living at their parents’ home. It’s not just their presence that’s interesting, but rather the cycle of parents doing too much for their young adult children. This raises questions about why this happens and its effects.
The Roots of Parental Guilt
As parents, we strive to give our children the best—enrolling them in top sports programs and providing great vacations. However, what happens when our child faces big challenges growing up? Living with the guilt of knowing our child had a hard time—due to divorce, separation, abuse, or other traumas—is tough. Consequently, we often regret not acting sooner or better. This guilt affects how we treat our children, sometimes leading us to overdo things to make up for the past.
Over-Responding to Our Children’s Needs
Even when our young adult children can do things themselves, we might still do tasks for them—washing their laundry, cooking, or scheduling appointments. This over-response is especially common when they struggle with their mental health such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, or worse, even substance use. We think, “He’s been through so much; I don’t want to make it harder for him,” or “She’s depressed because of past trauma, and I feel guilty for not helping sooner.”
The Negative Cycle of Guilt
This guilt can create a negative cycle in our relationship with our young adults. As a result, we become overbearing, making them feel mistrusted or incapable. They might shut down or protest our help, causing us to nag or get frustrated. Consequently, this cycle deepens the guilt and strains the relationship.
Breaking the Cycle
Acknowledge Your Guilt
The first step is to acknowledge the guilt you feel. It’s important to recognize and accept your feelings. Therefore, talk about them with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist, or write in a journal. Seeking support can lighten the burden of guilt and give you new ways to handle it.
Promote Autonomy
Encourage your young adult to take steps toward independence. Let them schedule their own appointments and make their own mistakes. This is crucial for their growth and self-confidence. When they succeed, praise their efforts. Positive feedback can boost their self-esteem and encourage them to take on more responsibilities.
Set Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries is essential for both parents and young adults. For instance, define what tasks your young adult should handle on their own and which ones you will help with. This clarity helps prevent misunderstandings and fosters a sense of responsibility in your child.
Foster Open Communication
Keep open lines of communication with your young adult. Encourage them to express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment. This openness helps you understand their needs better and provide support without overstepping boundaries.
Seek Professional Help
If the guilt and its effects on your relationship are overwhelming, consider seeking professional help. Therapists can offer valuable insights and strategies to manage guilt and improve your relationship with your young adult.
Conclusion
Parental guilt is common and can greatly impact the parent-child relationship. By acknowledging and addressing this guilt, you can improve your bond with your young adult and restore the closeness you both desire.
Remember, it’s a journey that requires patience, understanding, and consistent effort. Schedule a free consultation today to explore how you can break this cycle, foster independence, and build a healthier, more balanced relationship.
